{"id":62,"date":"2019-03-07T05:40:47","date_gmt":"2019-03-07T05:40:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/keithratner.live\/studio\/?page_id=62"},"modified":"2019-03-07T05:40:47","modified_gmt":"2019-03-07T05:40:47","slug":"knife","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/keithratner.live\/studio\/knife\/","title":{"rendered":"Knife"},"content":{"rendered":"

It started with Fred, his first pet, a ferret. Fred wasn\u2019t very friendly, in fact distant, an independent sort of animal, always eating, drinking and hopping around, yet never reciprocating with any affection at all. This annoyed Fred\u2019s companion and owner, Kyle, who was 5 at the time.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>Kyle grew weary of the daily ritual in which he tried to teach Fred etiquette.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cBad posture, Fred,\u201d he\u2019d yell, then swing him by the tail into the wall. Finally, Kyle realized he\u2019d never learn. \u201cSeems you\u2019re a waste of life,\u201d he said, and threw Fred out the window, watching him plummet fifteen floors and become a tiny red dot on the street. Afterwards, Kyle has a pleasant dinner with his parents consisting of Swedish meatballs and a tossed salad.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cFred\u2019s gone, Dad,\u201d said Kyle, as they prepared for dessert.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201c\u2018Fred IS gone,\u2019 Kyle. We will avoid using such contractions in the future, is that clear?\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cYes, Dad. Fred is gone.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cAnimals teach humanity, Kyle. After dinner we will discuss your next choice of a pet.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>Ain’tHe named his bullfrog Ain\u2019t.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cAin\u2019t?\u201d said his father with a twitch.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cYou told me I could name him anything I wanted.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cYes, as long as it was not a vulgarity.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>His father tolerated Kyle\u2019s tendency to call Aint\u2019s name loudly in his presence, but refused to refer to the bullfrog as anything other than \u2018it.\u2019<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cGet it out of here immediately,\u201d he would implore Kyle after a few minutes of being in the same room with his son and the loudly croaking frog.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>Kyle bored easily of the repetitious hopping and croaking. One evening he inserted a large firecracker into Ain\u2019t\u2019s mouth. \u201cYou must really learn to enunciate,\u201d he said as he lit the explosive and hurled the bullfrog from his window. Ain\u2019t exploded roughly fifty feet from street level, showering a taxicab with frog bits.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cAin\u2019t has left us, Dad,\u201d said Kyle just before dessert.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cWhat have you learned from your bullfrog, Kyle,\u201d asked his mother.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cHe is learning humanity, gentility, and responsibility, Mildred, now please have our dessert ready immediately,\u201d said Kyle\u2019s father. \u201cI think you should have a tortoise, Kyle.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>He named his tortoise Cecil. Cecil lived for three weeks, but Kyle became impatient. \u201cYou\u2019re just too\u2026 damned.. SLOW!\u201d He brought the hammer down in three broad strokes upon Cecil\u2019s shell. \u201cAAARGHHH!\u201d screamed Kyle. The turtle was silent, motionless, dead. He was disposed of in the usual place, the pavement far below.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cYou\u2019re maturing into a quite a fine, well-mannered young man, Kyle,\u201d said his father that evening before dinner.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201c\u2018You ARE maturing,\u2019 Dad. We must avoid contractions.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>Kyle felt the coldness of the steak knife in his hand.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cThey\u2019ll just never learn,\u201d he thought to himself.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It started with Fred, his first pet, a ferret. Fred wasn\u2019t very friendly, in fact distant, an independent sort of … Continue reading Knife<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"wp_social_preview_title":"","wp_social_preview_description":"","wp_social_preview_image":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-62","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/PhbgSF-10","jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithratner.live\/studio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/62","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithratner.live\/studio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithratner.live\/studio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithratner.live\/studio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithratner.live\/studio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=62"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/keithratner.live\/studio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/62\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":63,"href":"https:\/\/keithratner.live\/studio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/62\/revisions\/63"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithratner.live\/studio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=62"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}